Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Heavenly Christmas

Christmas was as hard as I figured it was going to be. Peter and I spent most of Christmas eve with just the two of us at home alone. A little before 10pm we headed to his Mom's house. Once we got there we prayed and asked God to get us through what we knew was going to be a sad night. Next we helped finish making tamales and ate pozole and at midnight we opened gifts. Usually I enjoy watching the kids open there gifts and the loud sounds of laughter bring joy to my heart. This year each time I heard one of the kids laugh I was crying deep inside. I could only think that this time next year my baby's laughter would have been heard around the room. He would be getting toys and gifts and smiling just as they were. It broke my heart. I couldn't wait until it was time to head home.
The next day Peter and I slept in. We were in no hurry to wake up this Christmas; we really wanted to sleep the day away. Around 2pm we went to Rose Hills. I never imagined I would be going to Rose Hills on Christmas day to find some sort of peace at my Son's grave. It was ironic. As we drove up the hill to Enrique's section it was a bitter sweet site. The lawn was covered with so many Christmas decorations I could hardly see the green grass. There were so many people visiting that it was as packed as Disneyland on New Years. I could only imagine the story each person had. Peter and I prayed once we got to Enrique once again asking for strength to get through another day. Family after family drove through also visiting there lost child and I could only ask 'Why God?' 'Why did my baby's endless journey have to begin so soon?' 'Why did my baby die?' Why isn't he still in my belly, growing, and kicking?' 'Why?'
I don't think people really understand what this Christmas meant to Peter and I. This was suppose to be our last Christmas as just husband and wife. Our next Christmas was suppose to be as Mommy and Daddy with the most precious gift ever. The joy that we thought we would have this year at Christmas by just thinking about the arrival of our son was ripped away from us. This Christmas was suppose to be about the best gift we could have given to each other - our son. Instead, we had an empty stocking that belonged to our baby. We decided to write Enrique a letter; one from me and one from Peter. We simply wrote our thoughts, folded the letter, and placed it in his stocking. Each year we will write a letter and add it to the previous years. Maybe one day Peter and I will share these letters with our other children.
Next we went to my Mom's. Although there were no children at my Mom's the night didn't get any easier. It was not easy trying to be happy when really I just wanted to be in bed asleep waiting for another day to pass. This was truly a hard day for Peter and I. I could not tell you how many times I thought about my baby and that his first Christmas was in Heaven - the perfection that surrounds him and the Heavenly Angels that sing to him. How is view from Heaven must be incredible; to see the world lit up with Christmas lights. I could only imagine what Heaven's Christmas tree looks like! My baby must have had such a Heavenly beautiful Christmas and for that I am grateful to the Lord.
I sit here tonight crying and praying to God that some day Peter and I will have another baby. I pray that this baby will be healthy and make it to full term. I pray that we will get to experience life and not death. I pray for peace and understanding, strength and courage to get through another day. I pray for love and joy when thinking about my baby. Most of all I pray that my baby knows I would have given anything and I mean anything to have him here with me.
Merry Heavenly Christmas my sweet Angel. Mommy and Daddy miss you more than you or anyone could possibly understand.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

If only Heaven had a mailbox

If Heaven had a mailbox I would write you letters everyday and I would seal each letter with a kiss. I would tell the mailman to handle each letter with care as they are for a special Angel. But because Heaven does not have a mailbox I'll write your letter here.

To my dear baby boy,
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. Just last night at our Bereavement Meeting your Dad and I were asked how we are handling the holidays and how we are handling what would have been your due date. Surprisingly we pulled through Thanksgiving. I strongly believe we wrapped ourselves in the holiday chaos that we really didn't have time to feel pain. Was that wrong? Once our families left and our home was quiet again I quickly felt the pain deep in my heart again. I thought about whether or not you would have enjoyed the turkey dinner and if you would have given my belly a little kick to tell me so. I wonder if my Aunt would finally have been able to feel you kick or if I could have used my belly has a table. By Thanksgiving you would have been 32 weeks. It was hard to be thankful this Thanksgiving. You captured my heart the moment I saw you and my heart broke the moment God took you Home. Thankful, the anger inside of me said for what I don't have my baby. Then I remembered it's all a part of God's plan. I am thankful God provided a Home for you in Heaven. Heaven - how beautiful, such perfection surrounds you; you are perfection!

As the weeks get closer to your due date I feel my body ache more and more. I think Christmas will be hard, very hard this year. I know our families would have spoiled you with presents just knowing that after Christmas you would have only been two weeks away from making your much anticipated entrance into this world. But instead your first Christmas will be in Heaven.  If only you could know just how much you were loved already. Maybe you can ask God to give us extra care on Christmas as we will be surrounded by family who already have there own children. I know watching them with there children will only remind me what could have been.

I hope you know that Jan 12, 2011 was what me and your Dad were looking forward to more than anything. We looked forward to what was suppose to be the beginning of our family, the start of our hopes and dreams for you, and a life of new beginnings. But now that your beginning has already come to an end I can only hope you are enjoying Heaven. I can't wait until I can hold you again.

I love you so very much. Muah.
Love Mommy

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The beginning of our Journey

Our journey started nearly 10 years ago when my husband, Peter, and I met through a mutual friend. After 5 years of dating and enduring a long distance relationship we got married in August of 2007. Married life is incredible and each day brings new adventures into our lives. At the beginning of this year we decided we wanted to extend our family and I couldn't have been happier about our decision. A baby with my amazing husband, a new path down this journey we call life, what else could I ask for! Little did I know this year would be the start of an unforgettable journey - the loss of our son.

On May 12, 2010 after 3 pregnancy tests I discovered I was pregnant. I couldn't stop smiling. Other than the day I married my husband I have never felt this much joy. I decided to surprise Peter. I text him during the day and asked him to meet me for dinner at CPK. I bought the book 'What to Expect When Your Expecting,' a Father's Day card, and a few other miscellaneous items. I placed them all in a bag that said 'Happy Father's Day.' I arrived at the restaraunt before Peter so I could ask the waitress for help with my big surprise. This is how it played out...The waitress seated us at a booth. Minutes later she arrived at our table with a high-chair and placed it at the edge of the table and simply walked away. Peter and I looked at each other in confusion and Peter thought she brought the high-chair by mistake - but it was all part of my plan. He said, "I'll tell her when she walks by again she must have the wrong table." I said, "Good idea." Minutes later the waitress arrived with the bag I previously talked about and placed it in the seat of the high-chair and once again walked away. Now Peter looked more confused than ever. He looked inside the bag and realized this was all about us and our little one. He couldn't stop smiling either.

As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we were enjoying the pregnant life. Or not enjoying. I had morning sickness for nearly 4 1/2 months. The best part of that I lost 11lbs! I couldn't complain. Although I was losing weight the Dr.'s said baby and Mommy are healthy. Again I couldn't be happier. On August 26, 2010 we had an ultra sound (19 weeks) to find out the sex. We wanted to find out the sex of the baby with all of our family and closest friends. We asked the technician to write the sex on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope. That same Saturday, the 28th, we had a reveal party. I took the sealed envelope to a baker and told them if the paper said boy to fill the cake with chocolate and banana filling. If it was a girl to fill the cake with strawberry filling. After eating and much suspense we cut into the cake - IT'S A BOY! Honestly, we didn't know the sex until that very moment. Peter's face was unforgettable. To this day it is a bitter sweet memory.

Sunday September 12, 2010 at 11:18pm at 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy my beautiful baby boy was born and made his entrance into Heaven.

This introduction is so long because these are the only memories I will ever have of my baby. I will never be able to hold him, kiss him, smoother him with love, push him on a swing, watch him open Christmas gifts, hear his first word, hear him call me Mommy, watch him take his first step and so much more. What was suppose to be the best 9 months of our lives ended with heartbreak. Our lives are forever changed and our unforgettable journey has just begun.